Starved for attention

23 March 2012

Earlier today, I used Twitter to share my desire not to see the film version of The Hunger Games. In case you missed it, here are the tweets in their entirety.

[Begin transmission]

11: 00 AM – To say I enjoyed the #HungerGames novels is an extreme understatement. I read all three in two days.

11:01 AM – However, I will not be going to see the movie version of @TheHungerGames

11:02 AM – So, please enjoy my series of things I will be doing while not watching the #HungerGames

11:03 AM – 1. Listening to Dance Hall Crashers while drinking a Mountain Dew – not watching the #HungerGames

11:04 AM – 2. Walking through Ogden, UT and looking at Mormons on lawns – not watching the #HungerGames

11:05 AM – 3. Watching The Page Master on VHS – not watching the #HungerGames

11:06 AM – 4. Playing Jenga with some friends who are cool – not watching the #HungerGames

11:07 AM – 5. Interviewing disenfranchised Cheetahs unable to vote in latest feline recall elections – not watching the #HungerGames

11:08 AM – 6. Doing my homework so I can be caught up on the contributions of Neils Bohr – not watching the #HungerGames

11:09 AM – 7. Checking which oven setting is optimal for cooking a Toaster Strudel, starting at 100 – not watching the #HungerGames

11:10 AM – Thus endeth the list of things I will be doing instead of seeing the movie version of the #HungerGames

[End transmission]

Follow @mentalmacguyver on Twitter for future reasons I am not participating in certain aspects of popular culture.

A little West and relaxation

26 January 2012

The sky is overcast and dull and snow is covering the entire ground. No, winter did not finally come to Northern Virginia. I’m sitting in a house in Ogden, Utah. How did I get here? You, David Byrne and I aren’t the only ones asking that same question.

As you, dear reader, know full well, I lived the last 18 months in Arlington, VA, just over the bridge from Washington, DC. During that time, I was working in a reproductive rights nonprofit covering the Commonwealth of Virginia.

As of January 13, 2012, my employment ended and I embarked on the next stage of my life – a stage that is currently nebulous and ill defined, but surprisingly not stressful.

GF and I began the transition into this new phase by selling all our furniture on Craigslist (where we met many interesting, yet dully un-sketchy characters), donating items to Goodwill and the local library and dealing with the various other interminable minutiae of moving.

Fortunately, with a three-month notice in to our employers, we had plenty of time to fit together the puzzle of relocating.

So, on January 13, 2012, I found myself unemployed with no employment prospects and no solid idea of where I would be within the next three months.

That is how GF and I ended up back in Utah (where I never thought I would return) living with her kind and generous parents in Ogden. Enough about us, let’s talk about me.

I was surprised how much I missed living in the West while back east. Looking out at the mountains and feeling the stresses of a fast pace dissipate remind me why I connected so much with Colorado and Utah. Speaking of Colorado, previous discussions set my sites on Denver as my next life location. As I am quickly learning with all decisions I declare, I must add the always-implied caveat, “We shall see.”

For now, I have mounting credit debt, no job, no job prospects, no clear sense of direction and no permanent home.

I have never felt more alive and free than at this exact moment.

Just over 18 months ago, I stood on the same porch I see to my right and talked to my best friend, JHP, about taking charge of my life and moving from Utah to find what is next for me. Now, I return to the porch with the knowledge and skills I acquired in DC and Virginia, fully seeing what it means to take charge of my life. It means accepting that my life can have no set pattern. That my life is my own and it will most likely not look like anyone else’s and will not fit into a certain mold.

Persons have asked me what I would like to do now that I am moving. The only response I can give is that I want to have a freelance lifestyle. I want to write songs, sitcoms, sketches and jokes and perform. I want the occasional odd job to help pay for my lifestyle. We’ll see what happens.

On a separate note, I realize I was a bit too harsh in my critiques of Utah while I lived here. Being back, I can see the allure of the place. Yes, I strongly disagree with the monolithic control of the Mormon Church and find the “alternative” scene lacking overall, but there is an appeal. As we drove in from the airport this past Tuesday, I realized that Salt Lake City (and much of Utah) is an isolated community, where you can ignore the outside world and build your own enclave. You can watch one of the worst (but my favorite) basketball teams, drink watered-down beer, eat surprisingly high-caliber food (some of the best in the country), see some incredible touring acts (like Centro-Matic, My Brightest Diamond, Built to Spill and Devotchka) and dig the outdoors. Yes, it was not for me and I cannot live here at this point in my life, but I can see the appeal, especially if you own a Subaru and like to ski.

I sit here, snow outside and warm coffee inside, with the sound of a hair dryer blowing in the background, content and anxious, completely free and unafraid. (I am referring, of course, to how I feel, not how the hair dryer feels. I cannot begin to speak for it.)

I have big plans for Cone Alone (my other blog), The Joseph Richards Show (my semi-regular podcast), Joey Cougar & The Starfish (my band) and JosephPatrickRichards.com in this coming year.

I will see more of my dreams come true before those damned Mayans destroy most of the planet and enslave all survivors.

Query as folk

11 October 2011

Blah. Ick!

Hello friends and loves and prepubescent plankton.

As I alluded to at some point (I think), I am spending most of my time at work or traveling for work these days, leaving a small amount of time for other pursuits including writing this here blog.

Consider this a warning that all content up until November 8 will most likely be drivel (more drivelous than usual) and incoherent (more incoherentous than usual).

Let’s play a game:

I’ll give you sets of words and you make a question with those words and leave them in the comments section of this post. I’ll give you an example to get you started:

Example set: hummingbird capture what tapestry jive cellophane Morrissey the avocado

Answer: What jive cellophane tapestry capture the Morrissey avocado hummingbird?

Here we go!

Set 1: Space human tires flail a an if can oxygen Wellington

Set 2: Decaffeinated orange run type kill pumpkin mansion are the flights

Good luck.

Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids

31 August 2011

Good later evening lovers, friends, family and inanimate objects.

I am drinking whiskey, eating Icelandic chocolate and listening to American Football (S/T*) while GF watches television.

Earlier tonight, we called her niece and nephew via phone and spoke with them. They are ages seven and 11 respectively.

During the conversation, all four of us told jokes with punchlines like, “Welcome to Booger King,” “He was making too much racquet,” and “Because the chicken and duck started a business together.”

Most of you who know my sense of humor (humour for our UK readers) know it never developed past a third-grade level. Yes, I learned some new words (like feint and didactic) and started incorporating profanity (like fuck and ass, which shouldn’t even count, so let’s say shit instead), but I generally adore and incorporate as many cheesy, horrible puns and nonsensical, grade school jokes into my daily life as humanly possibly. In fact, my favorite joke of all time involves a troubled child called Bootyitch** and a pastor encouraging a bereaved mother to scratch at will.

My favorite books (besides Island of the Blue Dolphins, the Bible and Born Standing Up [by Steve Martin]) are knock-knock and joke books.

So tonight, I bring you some jokes I will just list at random. Some you may know, some no one may know (even yours truly). Be sure to read them aloud wherever you are for the full effect. [Punchlines are in italics]

1. Why did the puppet get mad at Frankie Avalon?

Because he wanted to marry Annette. 

2. Who is Captain Picard’s least favorite tennis player?

Bjorn the Borg

3. When should you go to the dentist?

At tooth hurty.

4. What is an allergist’s favorite ‘primetime soap opera?

Snot’s Landing

5. [Joke to be determined]

Axl Rows (pronounced ‘rose’ for our UK readers, not rouse)

 

*In case you don’t know, which I didn’t a couple of years ago, people apparently use “S/T” to refer to a self-titled album.

**Not to be confused with the famous Russian playwright, Aleksandr Bootyvitch who wrote such plays as “Vodka on my Plate” and “Waiting for Godot (to Bring Back Vodka)” and other stereotypes you probably assumed this blog was above using. (It is not.)