After an apogee, an apology

25 August 2011

As I do with many sentences and conversations, allow me to begin with an apology.

I know several of you were huddled around your computer or blog-ready phone to receive a post from me last night. I know some of you were out there in the lonely world, waiting for an electronic missive from my fingers to your heart. I know most of you waited, and realized, as the clock struck midnight (ET), all hope of word from your beloved was dashed like waves on the Cliffs of Dover.

Again, I apologize.

While the glow of your computer lit your frown, making it seem that much more depressing, I was performing improv with several funny people (all more humorous than I, you see) at the DC Improv as part of the DC Improv Comedy School Cast.

Still, I should have written.

After the earthquake and after digesting the misery of a drunk and cowardly Cone Alone, I should have known you would need a bit more comfort. A bit more guidance. Actually, I know you just needed a friendly word.

I apologize one more time. I know I let my life get in the way of our electronic, anonymous life together.

Please forgive me.

If you forgive me, I promise to post video (ACTUAL FOOTAGE) from last night’s performance.

Will that do it? Will that make up for my error?

If my penance seems paltry and does not please you, I will proffer personal puns just for you at your request. I will post these puns directly to your Facebook account if you desire, so all the world can see you are loved and your name is a joke.

Maybe though, “that joke isn’t funny anymore.”

Shake, rattle and roil

23 August 2011

If you have not heard about today’s earthquake, I won’t fault you.*

I was at work in mid-town DC when the quake hit. Our office has been going through renovations lately, and it took me a few moments to recognize what was happening. I was on the phone, speaking with one of our grassroots organizers, when my desk began vibrating.

I have a bit of an interesting mental condition. If my brain does not comprehend what is happening, it will make up some explanation to fit the situation. For example, when I began receiving the local newspaper from my hometown of Irwinton, GA (pop. 580 or so), The Wilkinson County Post, I assumed I drunkenly ordered a subscription one night. I tell the story to my friend, MP, and he reveals he ordered the subscription for me.

When I felt my desk shaking, my brain informed me, ever so casually, “Hello Joey. Oh, I see you’re on the phone. Well, I’m sorry to interrupt. I just wanted to let you know the people working on office renovations are now behind your desk using a powerful vacuum cleaner.” Of course, I assumed my brain new what the fuck it was talking ‘bout.

Then the shaking grew stronger.

I swiveled my chair around, looked out the window and saw the church outside shaking. “That’s one damn powerful vacuum,” I said back to my brain.

By this point, my brain heard people in the office using the word “earthquake” and the sentences, “Get in a doorway” and “Do not leave.” So, I hung up the phone and walked to a doorway.

After the shaking subsided, people began saying the building was to be evacuated. That is when I faced an idiot’s dilemma.

Of course, I was going to take my book bag. After all, it was packed and ready to go. Then, I made sure to get my cell phone and charger (not of the San Diego variety). But what to do, what to do? I looked at my Arizona Energy Drink and a two-disc compilation of lounge and down tempo songs (called, embarrassingly enough, POSH: An Exclusive Chillout Experience) I purchased from a Bed, Bath & Beyond in Salt Lake City.

I honestly hesitated, debating whether I should grab the energy drink and eject disc two of POSH and take them downstairs with me. I quickly assessed the situation and realized that POSH would be no great loss and people downstairs would mock me if I brought my energy beverage.

Should I be bothered or oddly proud that in the midst of natural disaster I still make decisions based on what people will think of me?

My entire world is literally shaking and I still feel embarrassment and potential shame.

In therapy, this would be a groundbreaking discovery I suppose.



*Yes, I already tweeted something similar. For the curious bunch who do not follow @mentalmacguyver, the tweet read, “Not a good time to break up with my wife today. After the #earthquake we couldn’t file for no-fault divorce.”