I asked the audience to suggest topics for me to sing about. Tinker Toys and haggis were the suggestions. Hoo boy. (Ditta Caffe, Salt Lake City, UT – 12/3/16)
comedy
Tonight at Ditta Caffe in Salt Lake
I’ll be performing my comedy show tonight! I’ll be talking about politics, religion and abortion funerals.
The Joseph Richards Show Live (video)
Thanks to Kira S. Jones, we now have video of my show from Bad Ass Coffee in Salt Lake City on Friday, September 11, 2015. Thank you to everyone who came out, thanks to Bad Ass for hosting, thanks to Kira for recording and giving me flowers and thanks to my family for existing and being great.
Paper Moon
Last night, The Falcon and I went to the Paper Moon, Salt Lake’s preeminent lesbian bar. The bar holds open mic nights every Thursday starting around 9:30 or 10:00 pm (“Lesbian Standard Time” as they noted last night). I have a fear of not knowing what to do in new environments, so I convinced The Falcon to arrive at the bar at 8:15 pm (Mountain Standard Time). Few persons were there. Four women were playing pool. Two persons were at the bar, speaking to one another. Four men were wearing all black attire and were adorned in a way that I thought they would burst into spontaneous renditions of Dropkick Murphys songs with a side order of brawling. They requested “Vacation” by The Go-Gos. Go figure.
I ordered a Guinness in a bottle (which I believe is an early Christina O’Aguilera song) for myself and water with ice for The Falcon. We sat and talked until a comedian I recognized came in and joined us at the table. We all talked for a while until the next group of comics walked in and the open mic hosts arrived.
The open mic started with three lesbians playing a mix of original and cover songs (I recognized a song from Tegan & Sara’s The Con). The voices were smooth and beautiful. I flashed back to grad school when I spent much of my time at open mic nights performing originals, covers and improvised songs. The first comic went up and presented a stark contrast to the soothing beauty of the music. Four other comics went up and then it was time for me to move to the microphone.
I read a piece I created the day before entitled “The Mayor Apologizes.” The piece is a press conference involving a pit of King Cobras, some finger-pointing at an ex-con giraffe, deformed elementary school pole vaulters, disfigured babies and the invasion and near-immediate demise of a malevolent warlord.
It went as well as can be expected. In fact, I was pleased with the feedback from the audience.
I hope to make it back to the Paper Moon for open mic in the future as I find the friendliness highly appealing and conducive to trying new pieces and bits. Sadly, the late-night nature of the event could conflict with my professional life. I can barely stay awake today and I’m not even working.
If I find the will, perhaps I shall record the bit as a radio broadcast.
-J
Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids
31 August 2011
Good later evening lovers, friends, family and inanimate objects.
I am drinking whiskey, eating Icelandic chocolate and listening to American Football (S/T*) while GF watches television.
Earlier tonight, we called her niece and nephew via phone and spoke with them. They are ages seven and 11 respectively.
During the conversation, all four of us told jokes with punchlines like, “Welcome to Booger King,” “He was making too much racquet,” and “Because the chicken and duck started a business together.”
Most of you who know my sense of humor (humour for our UK readers) know it never developed past a third-grade level. Yes, I learned some new words (like feint and didactic) and started incorporating profanity (like fuck and ass, which shouldn’t even count, so let’s say shit instead), but I generally adore and incorporate as many cheesy, horrible puns and nonsensical, grade school jokes into my daily life as humanly possibly. In fact, my favorite joke of all time involves a troubled child called Bootyitch** and a pastor encouraging a bereaved mother to scratch at will.
My favorite books (besides Island of the Blue Dolphins, the Bible and Born Standing Up [by Steve Martin]) are knock-knock and joke books.
So tonight, I bring you some jokes I will just list at random. Some you may know, some no one may know (even yours truly). Be sure to read them aloud wherever you are for the full effect. [Punchlines are in italics]
1. Why did the puppet get mad at Frankie Avalon?
Because he wanted to marry Annette.
2. Who is Captain Picard’s least favorite tennis player?
Bjorn the Borg
3. When should you go to the dentist?
At tooth hurty.
4. What is an allergist’s favorite ‘primetime soap opera?
Snot’s Landing
5. [Joke to be determined]
Axl Rows (pronounced ‘rose’ for our UK readers, not rouse)
*In case you don’t know, which I didn’t a couple of years ago, people apparently use “S/T” to refer to a self-titled album.
**Not to be confused with the famous Russian playwright, Aleksandr Bootyvitch who wrote such plays as “Vodka on my Plate” and “Waiting for Godot (to Bring Back Vodka)” and other stereotypes you probably assumed this blog was above using. (It is not.)
The Joseph Richards Show 