FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE August 18, 2017
SATAN’S FULL STATEMENT ON OUSTER OF STEVE BANNON FROM WHITE HOUSE
Provo, Utah – Satan took a break from his busy schedule of sinister machinations to deliver a quick statement outside of his U.S. headquarters here in Provo regarding Steven Bannon’s removal as White House chief strategist.
“I am deeply saddened to hear of the departure of my good friend, Steve Bannon. Steve has been a reliable source of hatred, fear mongering and white supremacy for many years. In all honesty, my sadness is a little selfish. Steve was my inside man in the White House, whispering my lies and innuendo directly to President Trump. Steve’s departure means I’ll have to take a more hands-on approach to my dealings with President Trump in the immediate future until I can find a sufficient replacement who can sow fear and chaos at the highest levels of political power in the United States.
“While I lose a trusted ally in the fight against equality and tolerance today, I remain optimistic in our cause. President Trump believes wholeheartedly in my attempts to promote racism, bigotry and income inequality in the United States. I know he will continue to champion these causes and I look forward to continue destroying this country together.”
Following this statement, Satan returned to his offices to make phone calls to his longtime friends, Sens. Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) and Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky) and Rep. Paul Ryan (R-Wisconsin) to reassure them that they will continue working together to discriminate against minorities and the poor.